(After allowing nearly a year to slip by without posting a new blog, I was starting to wonder if maybe this blog had run its course. Honestly, I've had a pretty bad case of writer's block the last several months. Inspiration finally came recently! I feel more alive and refreshed when I write. It's good to be at the keyboard again...)
Barrenness...many women throughout the ages have experienced this heart-wrenching pain. Carrying the deep longing to carry a baby and being unable to brings with it a specific grief that at times can feel all-consuming. The tension of hoping and waiting, mixed with piled up disappointments can feel crushing. There were some extended periods of time in my life when I felt this pain so keenly. Sometime during our first year of marriage, Shawn and I were becoming increasingly convinced that we may have a surprise pregnancy. Our anticipation and excitement began to rise, only to ultimately be disappointed. We quickly realized we no longer wanted to wait to start a family, yet months, followed by years, began to slip by with no baby. Meanwhile, other young couples around us were welcoming children into their lives. We began to wonder if we could have a baby. Since my earliest memories, I knew I wanted to be a mommy someday. The thought that I may be barren was absolutely devastating! My constant prayer was Lord, open my womb. Fulfill my desire!
Then came the fateful day a few years later when the pregnancy test was finally positive, and I could not stop weeping for joy! You can read more here. We could never have ever expected that our joy was soon to be mixed with deep pain as our precious son would be delivered early by emergency C-section, fighting for his very life. We would never have considered ourselves prepared for a diagnosis of Down syndrome, life in the NICU, and congenital heart defects which would require surgery at two months old. Benjamin's first year was a blur of doctor appointments, surgeries, hospital stays, seizures, hearing loss followed by hearing aids, and the painful reality of significant developmental delays. (A few years later, our son's hearing was miraculously restored! You can read more here and here.) Though we never could have imagined being prepared for these trials, God's grace and goodness carried us through the darkest of moments, and our unconditional love for our sweet son gave us the motivation to persevere through each new hurdle. We learned and grew so much in those early years, and the growth has continued as we have faced new challenges, including our son's diagnosis of autism when he was 8 years old. You can read more about that here. We so love our precious firstborn who is now 12 years old!
I know that it has been common for many families who start out with a child with special needs to make the decision not to have any more children. What if something goes wrong again? How could they juggle caring for another child considering the extra needs they currently must meet on a daily basis? Though these struggles are very real for many, this was never even a thought for Shawn and me. We knew we wanted our family to grow, and after that first shaky year, we were hoping to welcome a second child soon. Yet, once again, the months began to slip into years. The desire for another baby was completely consuming me once more, and I kept asking the Lord to grant my desire. It was at this time that I felt Him gently but clearly speak to my heart, Lay down your desire for more children on the altar. Surrender it to Me completely. Could He really mean this? My desire was good! Was He really requiring me to lay it down entirely?
As much as I wanted to reason this away, I knew deep down what I was being asked to do. With a trembling heart, and countless tears, my prayer shifted to, Lord, I surrender my womb. I lay down my desire. It was a painful process that had to be re-affirmed day by day, sometimes hour by hour. I knew that it was not enough to simply say the words; I had to literally be willing to give up my desire, not knowing if He would ever grant me more children. I had to be willing to trust Him and love Him, even if He never fulfilled my desire. At this same time, a few of my girl friends announced that they were expecting babies. The test was severe, but by God's grace, I was able to truly lay my longing on the altar. It was incredibly painful, but wonderfully freeing as well, as I surrendered my control, knowing I could fully trust my Father's plans for my life. In His goodness, it was not long after this process that we learned with delight that we were expecting again! Another test of faith came when I experienced a few frightening months of bleeding during the end of my first trimester and into my second, but thankfully the Lord sustained our baby. Shortly before Benjamin's 4th birthday we welcomed our beautiful daughter Joelle into our lives with much rejoicing!
Sometime after we adjusted to being a family of four, the Lord began to speak to my heart again through the story of Hannah in the Bible. She longed for a child, but for years was unable to conceive, and in the culture of that day, she felt much shame. 1 Samuel 1:10-11 records her heartfelt prayer:
In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. And she made a vow, saying, "Lord Almighty, if You will only look on Your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget Your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head."
Soon after her prayer, God blessed Hannah with a son, and the mighty prophet Samuel was born. She was true to her word and dedicated him to the Lord's service, which altered the trajectory of an entire nation! God continued to bless Hannah, and she welcomed many more sons and daughters into the world. What struck me in this biblical account was that Hannah was desiring a son, but God was desiring a prophet. He was looking for a willing vessel. I realized that my prayers to that point concerning children had been focused on my personal desires, even when it came to surrendering them, yet it had never occurred to me that God had desires He wanted to fulfill in this area. My prayer once again shifted to, Lord, I offer You my womb. Fulfill Your desire through me.
It wasn't long after this that the Lord blessed us once again, and our little Josiah was born on the exact day that Joelle turned two-and-a-half. Considering the shift in my prayer, I had an increased sense of destiny and purpose over our son's life all throughout the pregnancy. Of course I believe that God has plans and purposes for all of our children, but my awareness of this was even more keenly felt with Josiah. What a shock it was then, when he experienced complications at birth, which nearly caused us to lose him!
Due to my medical history, I was required to have repeat C-sections for each delivery. At the moment Josiah was pulled from my womb, he inhaled amniotic fluid into his lungs instead of air and literally began to drown! Doctors worked feverishly to suction his lungs and get him stabilized, while a nurse applied pressure to my open abdomen, hoping to stem the blood flow until I could be stitched back up again. It was only later that I learned how miraculously God sustained me during this ordeal. The doctor later confided that she fully expected that I would require a blood transfusion as a result, yet against all medical reason, I lost less blood than during a routine C-section!
I only had one brief glimpse of Josiah when he was very first delivered. Once he was stable enough, he was transferred to an oxygen tent for close monitoring, while I was taken to recovery. I was aching to see my baby, but he was not yet stable enough for them to bring him to me. I felt like I was reliving the nightmare that surrounded our first son's birth. (I had waited hours to see Benjamin after his birth, and wasn't allowed to hold him for nine days). A few hours later Josiah had another breathing episode, and the pediatrician ordered his transfer to a NICU an hour away, as our local hospital did not have this facility. I still hadn't seen my son. With shock and heartbreak, I realized I would not be able to see him for some time. My surgery required me to remain in the local hospital for the next few days. Shawn and I agreed it was most important for him to go spend as much time as possible with Josiah. Friends and family stepped up to watch our other children and to come visit me while I recovered and ached with longing for my baby.
After three days that felt like an eternity, I was finally released from the hospital. Shawn drove me home briefly to hug and kiss Benjamin and Joelle, and then he took me to Tulsa to finally see my baby. Thankfully, Josiah had improved enough to be discharged that same evening, and we gratefully took our precious boy home. Life eventually found its new rhythm once again. Though I'm jumping ahead in the story for a moment, we faced another trial of faith when Josiah was also diagnosed with autism at age 4. How could this happen? Having one child with special needs was a big challenge in itself, but now two? Why would God allow this to happen? What about the strong sense of purpose and destiny I had felt about Josiah's life? Surely autism couldn't be part of that plan? Once again, I have had to surrender my desires and expectations to the Lord. None of this has caught Him off-guard. He is Sovereign. I have had to remind myself, often with tears, that Josiah having a diagnosis of autism in no way negates God's plan for his life. God's ways are not our ways. It is for me to trust Him and follow Him, no matter what unexpected turn life's path my take. Though I would not have chosen this path, I can accept with joy the lot we have received, knowing that I only see the here and now, while God's eternal purposes are unfolding. I have high hopes for our sweet son.
Before Shawn and I ever had any children, three names had already made our list of baby names. Shawn had long wanted a Benjamin. When he offered the name Josiah should we ever have two sons, I readily accepted it, but then told him, "I'm picking a girl name!" When I read the name Joelle in a book dedication shortly thereafter, I knew that was the one! Now that all three names had been fulfilled, we wondered if maybe the Lord had given us all the children He intended. However, our hearts remained open. I was gripped by the passage Romans 12:1 in the Bible:
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God--this is your true and proper worship.
I couldn't help but be challenged by the thought that as Christians we talk about surrendering every area of our lives to the Lord and living for His purposes and glory, yet we by and large do not apply this to the area of bearing children. Yet the Bible is full of rich passages speaking of the blessing of children and the Lord's desire for godly families. In fact, in Malachi 2:15 the Lord says:
Has not the one God made you? You belong to Him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.
The more I pondered these things, the more I realized that the Body of Christ has had a tendency to adopt the culture's mindset toward child-bearing. We say we surrender our lives to Him, but not the womb. The common sentiment, even among believers, is to ask, "How many children do you want, and to be quick to cut things off when we feel like it. Yet do we even consider to ask the Lord what His desire and intent may be? I realize I am undoubtedly stepping on some toes with these statements, but please hear my heart. I am not saying that God requires everyone to have a large family. There are plenty of examples from the Bible when He only purposed one or two children (ex. Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebekah, Jacob and Rachel, etc...) There are also some He calls to a life of singleness or those who are unable to have children naturally. Motherhood is greater that only biological children. Many woman mother through foster care, adoption, or simply investing in the lives of others. God's plan will look different for each one. The whole point I'm trying to make is that, as followers of Jesus Christ, we should welcome the Lord, His wisdom and counsel into all these areas of our lives. He is trustworthy.
After Josiah's birth I was content. If God did not purpose more children for us, I was at peace with that. If He wanted to give us more, I wanted to be a yielded vessel. My prayer became, Lord, I yield my womb to You. It still came with some element of surprise, however, when I discovered I was expecting once again a few months after Josiah's second birthday. We were overjoyed with the discovery that another baby girl was coming, and after some debate, we settled on the name Ava. Though I was well into my mid-thirties at this point, I was blessed with my easiest pregnancy yet, followed by a complication free delivery. What a healing experience that was for me! Our second little girl is the only red-head of our crew, with a fiery personality to match, tempered by a heart-melting sweetness as well.
At this point, I really did think that God had more than likely completed our biological family, though our hearts have always remained open to the possibility of adoption. Yet in April of this year, He saw fit to open my womb once more, and in a few short months we will welcome our third son Elijah! I am now 39 and can certainly feel the changes in my body as the aches and pains of pregnancy seem to be more keenly realized, yet my heart is filled with awe and gratitude that we are being entrusted with another little eternal soul, straight from the heart of Almighty God Who knows the end from the beginning, and has a purpose for this life I carry inside. The reality of having another major surgery in a few months does feel daunting, but I am trusting the Lord to sustain both baby and me through the process as He has been faithful to do each time. I also have a sense that Elijah will be healing for Shawn and me as well, as we have grieved the disabilities of our other precious boys and have had to readjust our expectations of what life with them will look like. I so look forward to the prospect of being able to have a conversation in time with our third sweet son; an experience I have not been able to have with Benjamin and Josiah, though I am still very hopeful that one day Josiah will converse.
Regardless of what the future looks like moving forward, though, I want to be found faithful in loving, nurturing, and discipling these precious souls entrusted to us, pointing them to the Lover of their souls, who knows them and loves them even more deeply than I ever could. They belong to Him first and foremost, and I am honored to have the privilege of these years to invest in their lives and destinies!
