Barren to Fruitful

 (After allowing nearly a year to slip by without posting a new blog, I was starting to wonder if maybe this blog had run its course. Honestly, I've had a pretty bad case of writer's block the last several months. Inspiration finally came recently! I feel more alive and refreshed when I write. It's good to be at the keyboard again...)

Barrenness...many women throughout the ages have experienced this heart-wrenching pain. Carrying the deep longing to carry a baby and being unable to brings with it a specific grief that at times can feel all-consuming. The tension of hoping and waiting, mixed with piled up disappointments can feel crushing. There were some extended periods of time in my life when I felt this pain so keenly. Sometime during our first year of marriage, Shawn and I were becoming increasingly convinced that we may have a surprise pregnancy. Our anticipation and excitement began to rise, only to ultimately be disappointed. We quickly realized we no longer wanted to wait to start a family, yet months, followed by years, began to slip by with no baby. Meanwhile, other young couples around us were welcoming children into their lives. We began to wonder if we could have a baby. Since my earliest memories, I knew I wanted to be a mommy someday. The thought that I may be barren was absolutely devastating! My constant prayer was Lord, open my womb. Fulfill my desire!

Then came the fateful day a few years later when the pregnancy test was finally positive, and I could not stop weeping for joy! You can read more here. We could never have ever expected that our joy was soon to be mixed with deep pain as our precious son would be delivered early by emergency C-section, fighting for his very life. We would never have considered ourselves prepared for a diagnosis of Down syndrome, life in the NICU, and congenital heart defects which would require surgery at two months old. Benjamin's first year was a blur of doctor appointments, surgeries, hospital stays, seizures, hearing loss followed by hearing aids, and the painful reality of significant developmental delays. (A few years later, our son's hearing was miraculously restored! You can read more here and here.) Though we never could have imagined being prepared for these trials, God's grace and goodness carried us through the darkest of moments, and our unconditional love for our sweet son gave us the motivation to persevere through each new hurdle. We learned and grew so much in those early years, and the growth has continued as we have faced new challenges, including our son's diagnosis of autism when he was 8 years old. You can read more about that here. We so love our precious firstborn who is now 12 years old!

 

I know that it has been common for many families who start out with a child with special needs to make the decision not to have any more children. What if something goes wrong again? How could they juggle caring for another child considering the extra needs they currently must meet on a daily basis? Though these struggles are very real for many, this was never even a thought for Shawn and me. We knew we wanted our family to grow, and after that first shaky year, we were hoping to welcome a second child soon. Yet, once again, the months began to slip into years. The desire for another baby was completely consuming me once more, and I kept asking the Lord to grant my desire. It was at this time that I felt Him gently but clearly speak to my heart, Lay down your desire for more children on the altar. Surrender it to Me completely. Could He really mean this? My desire was good! Was He really requiring me to lay it down entirely? 

As much as I wanted to reason this away, I knew deep down what I was being asked to do. With a trembling heart, and countless tears, my prayer shifted to, Lord, I surrender my womb. I lay down my desire. It was a painful process that had to be re-affirmed day by day, sometimes hour by hour. I knew that it was not enough to simply say the words; I had to literally be willing to give up my desire, not knowing if He would ever grant me more children. I had to be willing to trust Him and love Him, even if He never fulfilled my desire. At this same time, a few of my girl friends announced that they were expecting babies. The test was severe, but by God's grace, I was able to truly lay my longing on the altar. It was incredibly painful, but wonderfully freeing as well, as I surrendered my control, knowing I could fully trust my Father's plans for my life. In His goodness, it was not long after this process that we learned with delight that we were expecting again! Another test of faith came when I experienced a few frightening months of bleeding during the end of my first trimester and into my second, but thankfully the Lord sustained our baby. Shortly before Benjamin's 4th birthday we welcomed our beautiful daughter Joelle into our lives with much rejoicing!

 

Sometime after we adjusted to being a family of four, the Lord began to speak to my heart again through the story of Hannah in the Bible. She longed for a child, but for years was unable to conceive, and in the culture of that day, she felt much shame. 1 Samuel 1:10-11 records her heartfelt prayer:

In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. And she made a vow, saying, "Lord Almighty, if You will only look on Your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget Your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head."

Soon after her prayer, God blessed Hannah with a son, and the mighty prophet Samuel was born. She was true to her word and dedicated him to the Lord's service, which altered the trajectory of an entire nation! God continued to bless Hannah, and she welcomed many more sons and daughters into the world. What struck me in this biblical account was that Hannah was desiring a son, but God was desiring a prophet. He was looking for a willing vessel. I realized that my prayers to that point concerning children had been focused on my personal desires, even when it came to surrendering them, yet it had never occurred to me that God had desires He wanted to fulfill in this area. My prayer once again shifted to, Lord, I offer You my womb. Fulfill Your desire through me. 

It wasn't long after this that the Lord blessed us once again, and our little Josiah was born on the exact day that Joelle turned two-and-a-half. Considering the shift in my prayer, I had an increased sense of destiny and purpose over our son's life all throughout the pregnancy. Of course I believe that God has plans and purposes for all of our children, but my awareness of this was even more keenly felt with Josiah. What a shock it was then, when he experienced complications at birth, which nearly caused us to lose him! 

Due to my medical history, I was required to have repeat C-sections for each delivery. At the moment Josiah was pulled from my womb, he inhaled amniotic fluid into his lungs instead of air and literally began to drown! Doctors worked feverishly to suction his lungs and get him stabilized, while a nurse applied pressure to my open abdomen, hoping to stem the blood flow until I could be stitched back up again. It was only later that I learned how miraculously God sustained me during this ordeal. The doctor later confided that she fully expected that I would require a blood transfusion as a result, yet against all medical reason, I lost less blood than during a routine C-section!

I only had one brief glimpse of Josiah when he was very first delivered. Once he was stable enough, he was transferred to an oxygen tent for close monitoring, while I was taken to recovery. I was aching to see my baby, but he was not yet stable enough for them to bring him to me. I felt like I was reliving the nightmare that surrounded our first son's birth. (I had waited hours to see Benjamin after his birth, and wasn't allowed to hold him for nine days). A few hours later Josiah had another breathing episode, and the pediatrician ordered his transfer to a NICU an hour away, as our local hospital did not have this facility. I still hadn't seen my son. With shock and heartbreak, I realized I would not be able to see him for some time. My surgery required me to remain in the local hospital for the next few days. Shawn and I agreed it was most important for him to go spend as much time as possible with Josiah. Friends and family stepped up to watch our other children and to come visit me while I recovered and ached with longing for my baby. 

After three days that felt like an eternity, I was finally released from the hospital. Shawn drove me home briefly to hug and kiss Benjamin and Joelle, and then he took me to Tulsa to finally see my baby. Thankfully, Josiah had improved enough to be discharged that same evening, and we gratefully took our precious boy home. Life eventually found its new rhythm once again. Though I'm jumping ahead in the story for a moment, we faced another trial of faith when Josiah was also diagnosed with autism at age 4. How could this happen? Having one child with special needs was a big challenge in itself, but now two? Why would God allow this to happen? What about the strong sense of purpose and destiny I had felt about Josiah's life? Surely autism couldn't be part of that plan? Once again, I have had to surrender my desires and expectations to the Lord. None of this has caught Him off-guard. He is Sovereign. I have had to remind myself, often with tears, that Josiah having a diagnosis of autism in no way negates God's plan for his life. God's ways are not our ways. It is for me to trust Him and follow Him, no matter what unexpected turn life's path my take. Though I would not have chosen this path, I can accept with joy the lot we have received, knowing that I only see the here and now, while God's eternal purposes are unfolding. I have high hopes for our sweet son.

 

Before Shawn and I ever had any children, three names had already made our list of baby names. Shawn had long wanted a Benjamin. When he offered the name Josiah should we ever have two sons, I readily accepted it, but then told him, "I'm picking a girl name!" When I read the name Joelle in a book dedication shortly thereafter, I knew that was the one! Now that all three names had been fulfilled, we wondered if maybe the Lord had given us all the children He intended. However, our hearts remained open. I was gripped by the passage Romans 12:1 in the Bible:

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God--this is your true and proper worship.

I couldn't help but be challenged by the thought that as Christians we talk about surrendering every area of our lives to the Lord and living for His purposes and glory, yet we by and large do not apply this to the area of bearing children. Yet the Bible is full of rich passages speaking of the blessing of children and the Lord's desire for godly families. In fact, in Malachi 2:15 the Lord says:

Has not the one God made you? You belong to Him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.

The more I pondered these things, the more I realized that the Body of Christ has had a tendency to adopt the culture's mindset toward child-bearing. We say we surrender our lives to Him, but not the womb. The common sentiment, even among believers, is to ask, "How many children do you want, and to be quick to cut things off when we feel like it. Yet do we even consider to ask the Lord what His desire and intent may be? I realize I am undoubtedly stepping on some toes with these statements, but please hear my heart. I am not saying that God requires everyone to have a large family. There are plenty of examples from the Bible when He only purposed one or two children (ex. Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebekah, Jacob and Rachel, etc...) There are also some He calls to a life of singleness or those who are unable to have children naturally. Motherhood is greater that only biological children. Many woman mother through foster care, adoption, or simply investing in the lives of others. God's plan will look different for each one. The whole point I'm trying to make is that, as followers of Jesus Christ, we should welcome the Lord, His wisdom and counsel into all these areas of our lives. He is trustworthy. 

After Josiah's birth I was content. If God did not purpose more children for us, I was at peace with that. If He wanted to give us more, I wanted to be a yielded vessel. My prayer became, Lord, I yield my womb to You. It still came with some element of surprise, however, when I discovered I was expecting once again a few months after Josiah's second birthday. We were overjoyed with the discovery that another baby girl was coming, and after some debate, we settled on the name Ava. Though I was well into my mid-thirties at this point, I was blessed with my easiest pregnancy yet, followed by a complication free delivery. What a healing experience that was for me! Our second little girl is the only red-head of our crew, with a fiery personality to match, tempered by a heart-melting sweetness as well. 

 

At this point, I really did think that God had more than likely completed our biological family, though our hearts have always remained open to the possibility of adoption. Yet in April of this year, He saw fit to open my womb once more, and in a few short months we will welcome our third son Elijah! I am now 39 and can certainly feel the changes in my body as the aches and pains of pregnancy seem to be more keenly realized, yet my heart is filled with awe and gratitude that we are being entrusted with another little eternal soul, straight from the heart of Almighty God Who knows the end from the beginning, and has a purpose for this life I carry inside. The reality of having another major surgery in a few months does feel daunting, but I am trusting the Lord to sustain both baby and me through the process as He has been faithful to do each time. I also have a sense that Elijah will be healing for Shawn and me as well, as we have grieved the disabilities of our other precious boys and have had to readjust our expectations of what life with them will look like. I so look forward to the prospect of being able to have a conversation in time with our third sweet son; an experience I have not been able to have with Benjamin and Josiah, though I am still very hopeful that one day Josiah will converse.

Regardless of what the future looks like moving forward, though, I want to be found faithful in loving, nurturing, and discipling these precious souls entrusted to us, pointing them to the Lover of their souls, who knows them and loves them even more deeply than I ever could. They belong to Him first and foremost, and I am honored to have the privilege of these years to invest in their lives and destinies!

*If you would like to read more about Benjamin's miraculous story, check out my book Reflections from Holland: A New Mother's Journey with Down Syndrome

 

The Writing on the Wall

Suffering--it's not a topic we like to discuss. We cringe to hear the word, and by nature we are prone to try and avoid it at all costs. Yet, as ones living in a fallen world, it is an inevitable part of every life to one degree or another. No matter how much we want to run away from suffering, it is sure to find us out multiple times as we journey through this life. This is the human condition. 

As a young, married couple eagerly anticipating the birth of our first child, we could never have imaged the level of suffering we were about to walk through with our son's traumatic birth, life-threatening health conditions, and diagnosis of Down syndrome. We never expected to be living in and out of hospitals for the first few months, or handing our tiny infant over to a surgical team for open heart surgery. The pain and suffering were real, and that season confronted some unconscious life expectations we unknowingly held--"Something like that could never happen to us." Yet happen it did, and we had a choice to make as to how we would respond to the unexpected suffering that had turned our idealistic world upside-down. We could have chosen to retreat into anger and bitterness, allowing it to fester until it poisoned our lives and relationships. We could have chosen to simply shut down emotionally, becoming mere shells of who we once were. OR, we could choose to give our pain to the Lord, inviting Him to heal our hearts, reveal more of Himself to us, and fashion us more into His likeness. I'm so thankful He protected us from staying on the first two paths but instead drew us close to His heart, teaching us to find joy in the pain. He is good! 

 

Yes, we will all encounter suffering in our lives, but I want to focus our attention on a different type of suffering than those things that are simply common to the world in which we live. We have no doubt heard the stories of saints of the past who endured suffering and even martyrdom for the sake of Jesus Christ. Hopefully, we are aware of the incredible suffering Christians are experiencing around the world in our modern times. For many this is a daily reality. When they make a decision to surrender their lives to Jesus Christ, they are fully aware that they are placing EVERYTHING on the line, including their own lives. Yet the beautiful reality of the Gospel, the TRUTH that salvation is only found through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ for sinful humanity, compels them to risk it all for that which can never be taken from them. 

In the Western world, we have long been shielded from much suffering or persecution for the witness of the Gospel. America has long been considered a beacon of religious freedom, personal liberty, and freedom of speech. Yet we find ourselves now in an unprecedented hour in which these very freedoms are under attack. Sadly, many do not see it. Maybe they are unwilling to see it. After all, this is America! "Something like that could never happen to us." However, the handwriting is on the wall, and we ignore it to our own peril. The Body of Christ in America needs to wrestle through the reality that if we truly desire to live faithfully before the Lord without compromise; if we truly desire to stand firmly grounded on the truth of His Word, we must be prepared to endure suffering. It is at our door.

For decades now, secular humanism, often referred to as progressive liberalism or "woke" culture, has been gaining inroads in pretty much every facet of our society. It is now entrenched in media, entertainment, education, Big Tech, government, corporate America, and sadly, even in the church through the increasingly popular trend of "Progressive Christianity." This worldview stands in stark contrast to a truly biblical worldview (a worldview that believes the Bible is the inerrant, authoritative Word of God which should be the plumb line of truth for every aspect of life). 

Consider the trends we are seeing...The progressive left is constantly claiming to be for "unity," "diversity," "tolerance," and "love." Yet what are we witnessing? If one dares to stray from the acceptable "group think," if one does not adhere to the ideology of "woke" culture, they are under threat of the mob. Cancel culture has be exploding past any standards of reason or merit, demanding the destruction of those who dare to hold a different perspective. Dissenters must be intimidated, silenced, shamed, de-platformed, demonized, and delegitimized, so that they are prevented from speaking in the public square or operating within society. Instead of unity, the demand is for conformity. While diversity of race, sexuality, religion (except biblical Christianity), etc. are celebrated, diversity of thought and ideology is quickly condemned. There is absolutely no "tolerance" for those who do not bow the knee to their agenda. And while there is much talk of "love," we see increasing levels of hatred being spewed across the spectrum. 

Now, I realize that these are blanket statements, and I want to clarify that I am not claiming that they accurately characterize the heart and mentality of every individual who has chosen the path of liberalism. I know many genuine people, who do their best to love others, regardless of beliefs, and who sincerely want the best for others. In the same vein, there are certainly people who identify as conservative who are hateful, demeaning, and intolerant of those who disagree with them. At the very root, the problem is sin in the heart of man, and the only true remedy is the transforming power of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. What I am addressing, however, are the societal trends we are witnessing right now in our nation. 

Another alarming trend is the Critical Race Theory that has taken center stage, corralling every one into categories of the oppressor or the oppressed. Martin Luther King Junior's famous quote, "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character," seems to be increasingly falling on deaf ears. If you are a white conservative, how quickly you may be labeled a "white supremacist," "racist," "sexist," "bigot," "Nazi," or whatever "phobic" the mob decides to pin on you. Black conservatives are often times labelled as "traitors," or "Uncle Tom's" for the sin of rejecting progressive liberalism. And while not all conservatives are Christians, many Christians are conservatives. We seem to be the biggest target. But should it really surprise us?

 

While the shocking events that unfolded at our Capitol on January 6 were completely wrong and without excuse, the tsunami of response in the wake of that event has in some ways been equally shocking and alarming. There will certainly be many unanswered questions and interpretations as to what truly unfolded on that day, possibly for years to come. However, two things should be clear: One, the VAST MAJORITY of the nation stands in condemnation of what transpired. Two, the unacceptable actions of a few (comparatively speaking considering the hundreds of thousands who truly came to peacefully assemble) is in NO WAY an accurate reflection of conservatives and/or Christians as a whole. Not even close. Yet this is the dangerous message being sent out to the nation ever since. We saw immediate and widespread censorship of, not only the sitting President of the United States, but also of multiple conservative voices across the social media world and the airwaves, and then the shocking destruction of alternative platforms through the partnership of Big Tech and Amazon. Freedom of speech is under unprecedented attack. 

This recent article highlights the dangerous trends we are witnessing and highlights many of the incendiary statements that have been made by leaders in government and media in recent days. The writer then summarize it all...

There you have it, in their own words, what they think of conservative Trump supporters. We are religious extremists, cultists, radicals, and domestic threats that need to be deprogrammed, deradicalized, and reeducated. Then if that doesn't work, we must be cut out like cancerous growths.

Or consider recent statements by CNN's Jim Acosta, claiming on national television that Trump supporters and conservative news outlets are an "existential threat to this country." These are just a few examples of the sudden push to paint conservatives and Christians as some sort in interior "threat" to the nation. Never mind the summer of widespread violence, destruction, and murder that was unleashed across our nation through BLM and Antifa. We could easily spend an entire blog post discussing the discrepancies here, but I'll simply say that the double standards are truly astounding. 

As I stated earlier, the writing is on the wall, and we ignore it to our own peril. Those claiming to be "anti-fascists" are increasingly employing fascist strategies against any who would dare to oppose them. And regardless of how you may have felt about Donald Trump, the reality is that we now have a federal government that is by and large controlled by progressive liberal ideology. Many of the values and goals stand in stark contradiction to biblical truth, and they are being implemented at lightening speed through a flurry of executive orders. Legislation is in the works as well, such as the Equality Act, which will result in direct attacks on religious liberty, threatening the freedom of many to live by their biblical convictions. 

The Bible tells us in Isaiah 5:20, "Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness; who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter." Can any born again follower of Jesus Christ deny that we are seeing this magnified in our day? Supporting the "right" to slaughter of innocent babies is "compassionate" while standing up against the bloodshed is "oppressive." Sexual immorality and perversion of all kinds is celebrated, while sexual purity and biblical marriage are scorned. Gender confusion abounds, and those who would dare to stand on biological reality are accused of "hate." Romans 1:22 comes to mind, "Claiming to be wise, they became fools."

We are at a crossroads in our history as a nation, and the true followers of Jesus Christ have a choice to make. Will we stand firm in our commitment to Jesus Christ and stand unapologetically on the authority of His Word, conforming our lives to His ways? Or will we allow ourselves to be intimidated into silence by an increasingly hostile culture and even government? Sadly many will probably follow the siren song of the Progressive Christianity movement, which will comfortably allow them to embrace and be accepted by the culture of the day while still claiming to love Jesus and His Word. They will exchange the life-changing Gospel of Jesus Christ for the politically correct social justice "gospel." They will trade the authority of the life-giving Word of God, by which we are conform our lives and transform our minds, for the emotionally and fleshly appealing practice of re-interpreting, cherry-picking, and otherwise twisting the Bible to fit their preferred worldview. These are indeed dangerous times in which we live. 

However, for the Bride of Christ, those who have surrendered their lives to Jesus Christ and are committed to following Him faithfully no matter the cost, there is hope. We may be heading into tumultuous times, but the Lord Himself goes before us, and He will sustain us. As pressures mount, I believe glory will be released. As the world rages against Christ and His followers, I believe that the Gospel will go forth with power. I am praying that we see a great revival--a great ingathering of the precious souls Jesus shed His blood to redeem. We were chosen to be alive in this chapter of history, and God does not make mistakes. This world is passing away, and eternity is before us. Let's renew our commitment to "seek first His Kingdom and His righteous." Let's commit to pray with greater focus and purpose. Let's commit to worship and praise, no matter how dark things may get. Let's commit to love and serve, even the face of hostility. Let's commit to readily forgive, and not allow offense to take root in our hearts. Let's commit to boldly share the hope we carry with a lost and dying world. Let's commit to trust unwaveringly in the promises of God, no matter what it looks like around us, for our God is FAITHFUL. Let us rejoice if He should count us worthy to suffer for His Namesake as we "fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart," (Hebrews 12:2-3)

COME LORD JESUS!