The Day Two Little Syllables Changed My Life

It has been eight years of waiting, eight years of wanting, eight years of wondering if the longed for day would ever come. I was waiting for two little syllables that contain a world of meaning; two little syllables that reflect an incredible depth of love, nurture, security, and comfort; two little syllables that speak to such a privileged purpose that I call my own. What were these two little syllables you ask? They were none other than the beautiful simplicity of "Mama."

Benjamin is my first born. He is the one who made me a mother. I have always enjoyed his joyful affection and obvious expressions of love, but I have ached to hear him speak my name.

I remember when I was pregnant with our daughter. Benjamin was three years old, and I wondered if I would hear "Mama" from this baby growing inside before I would hear it from my son. The thought was surreal, but I knew it was a definite possibility. Sure enough, one beautiful day 8-month-old Joelle was sitting in her highchair at meal time. Suddenly she reached for me and distinctly cooed "Mama!" My heart felt as though it would burst! I scooped her into my arms and cuddled her with delight as my husband, my mom (who happened to be visiting at the time), and I celebrated. At this point I had been a parent for over four years. I was finally hearing "Mama" spoken to me for the first time!

Joelle ended up being our very early talker, and her language quickly took off. In fact, it is very rare that she is not talking! With her fifth birthday quickly approaching, she loves to give us a running commentary on life through her eyes. Sometimes she has me laughing to the point of tears with the things she comes up with! I'm so thankful that Benjamin is able to hear so much speech while he's at home, not just from Mom and Dad, but from siblings as well.

When Joelle was a talkative little toddler, we discovered that I was pregnant with Josiah. Once again the question surfaced in my heart. Will I hear "Mama" first from this child as well? Sure enough, it has happened. Josiah's language is developing much slower than his sister's, but he definitely has his own little vocabulary that includes "Mama." However, he finds it very amusing to call me "Daddy" instead! Did I mention he has an ornery streak?

While Benjamin remains mostly non-verbal at this point, he does have an array of sounds and syllables he likes to make, including "Ba-ba" and "Da-da." In fact, one of his favorite games is for me to look at him and say with exaggerated pronunciation "Ba-Ba Benjamin, Da-Da Daddy, Ma-Ma Mommy." He smiles with delight, studies my mouth from different angles, and sometimes puts his hand under my chin to feel the sounds. He wants to speak, but his language still needs to be unlocked somehow. 

That brings me to November 16 of this year. Our family was sitting around the table at supper time as we do every day. My husband sits next to Benjamin and helps to monitor how fast he eats. Our son has a tendency to keep shoveling food in his mouth. Often, Shawn will take his spoon away and remind him to finish chewing before taking another bite. Once the food is down Shawn returns the spoon to Benjamin's hand to continue. It can feel rather tedious, but we're not sure how else to keep him from getting too much food in at a time. Benjamin does NOT appreciate this process at all. On this particular evening he was extra cranky about the whole thing. Suddenly in his frustration he blurted out "mama!" Shawn and I looked at each other, surprised and unsure what think. A moment later it happened again. At this point my husband was sure that he was referencing me, but I still wasn't so sure. Was he really, or was he just making a new sound? After hoping for so many years, I was skeptical that the wait was finally over. 

The next afternoon when I picked up Benjamin from school his teacher told me that he said "mama" three times that day. Each time, though, it was when he was frustrated about something. I was becoming more hopeful, but I still wasn't convinced. However, that evening changed everything. My super sensitive boy had become very upset about something close to his bedtime. I was sitting on the couch in the living room at the time. He came to me sobbing and wrapped his arms around my neck wanting me to hold him. Through his tears he kept saying, "Mama! Mama!" I was in shock. This was the real deal. I held him for a few moments, soaking it all in as I comforted my son. I then asked, "Benjamin, would you like some milk?" Immediately his tears stopped and he led me to the kitchen. I poured his milk and stood behind him with my hands on his shoulders as he drank. Between sips he continued to say, "Mama." I thought my heart would burst! Shortly after getting him to bed I looked at my husband. Still in a state of shock, I kept repeating, "It really happened. He really called me 'Mama.' After all these years of waiting it actually happened!" That's when the tears of joy began to fall. 

One thing I've learned ever since Benjamin's birth is to never take things for granted. Every little milestone is a cause for big celebration! I remember watching other children with awe when our son was still an only child. I was amazed at the ease with which they mastered gross and fine motor skills--skills that their parents often didn't think twice about. However, those same skills were ones that had taken months or years of therapy, intervention, hard work, and often tears for Benjamin to accomplish. Some were milestones still on a distant horizon. When Joelle was born we were fascinated watching her natural development progress at what seemed to us as a rapid speed. It was beautiful and painful all at the same time, but it was always full of wonder. 

I have waited 8 YEARS to hear my firstborn call me "Mama!" But I must say that I don't think those two little syllables have ever meant as much as they did on the day that the prayers were finally answered, and the wait was finally over. I have much to celebrate!

If you want to read more about our amazing journey with Benjamin, check out my book Reflections from Holland: A New Mother's Journey with Down Syndrome

A Quiver Full

As I was growing up, I often dreamed of becoming a mother someday. I was naturally drawn to babies and children. I loved to nurture, and the thought of having my own little ones in the future filled my heart with such joy. At the beginning of my senior year of college I met my best friend and future husband. Two years later we were married, and within the first year we were eager to begin our family. However, weeks, months, and then years began to slip by, and we were still waiting. The ache of desire during that season was nearly unbearable at times as we continued to pray for a baby. We had a sense all along that our first born would be a boy. Shawn had known he wanted to name his first son Benjamin ever since he was in high school. The night before I finally had a positive pregnancy test, the Lord clearly spoke to my heart, "Read Psalm 68." When I reached verse 27 the words jumped off the page, "There is little Benjamin their leader." Sure enough, the next morning my pregnancy was confirmed, and Benjamin was indeed growing inside my womb! You can read that story here.

Overjoyed that we had begun our journey into parenthood, we never could have fathomed what was in store for us within the near future. We never could have imagined the challenges we would face upon the arrival of our sweet son. We had no idea we were about to land in "Holland." Since that day in May of 2009, we have been on an incredible journey of learning and growth. We have experienced great heartache, we have been filled with overwhelming joy, we have faced daunting challenges, and we have witnessed genuine miracles. The first four years of this amazing journey is recorded in my book Reflections from Holland: A New Mother's Journey with Down Syndrome.

A few years after Benjamin was born, we felt ready to add to our family. Once again the wait was longer than anticipated. However, a few months before our son celebrated his fourth birthday, we welcomed our beautiful daughter Joelle into the world, and took our first trip to "Italy." Holding my healthy newborn against my chest on the day of her birth was an incredibly healing experience as I took in the wonder of her tiny features and drank in her sweet newborn scent. She has been an incredible source of joy in our lives. She is lively, inquisitive, full of imagination, and will be celebrating her fifth birthday in a matter of months.

The conception of our sweet son Josiah was a thrilling surprise. He made his debut on the same day Joelle turned exactly two-and-a-half years old. His arrival was filled with it's own scary challenges, though. I was required to have a repeat c-section, and in the process he inhaled amniotic fluid into his lungs and began to drown. For several scary minutes he was very critical, but God's hand of protection was upon him. After nearly twenty minutes the medical staff was able to suction his lungs and get him stabilized. Unfortunately, however, he was taken to a NICU an hour away. My husband went to stay with him while I recovered in the hospital and cried for my baby. My mom and family friends cared for our other two children during these shaky couple of days. Three days after Josiah's birth I was released from the hospital and eagerly went to see and hold my newborn for the first time. Those three days were painfully long, but not so long as the nine days I had waited to hold Benjamin. Thankfully, Josiah was discharged shortly after we arrived, and he is now a spunky two year old, who is very much a Mommy's boy!

 

This fall we were once again thrilled to learn that another little blessing is on the way! I am currently three months pregnant with number four, and we couldn't be happier! One thing that has really marked this pregnancy so far is the strong sense of peace that has covered my heart. After our experience with Benjamin, I really wrestled with fear when I conceived the second time. I had some placenta complications early on and had a few frightening months of bleeding with Joelle. The fear continued into my third pregnancy as a result, though it was not quite as intense. However, I can look back and see the Lord's hand of faithfulness over each pregnancy and each child's life. My due date this time is the same week as my 36th birthday--an age where many women have decided to stop bearing children. However, I have such a calmness in my soul, and I am so grateful! I am praying to be able to fully enjoy the entire process this time. I am praying for the gift of a complication free pregnancy and delivery, but ultimately I know that the baby and I are in the Lord's hands. He is faithful.

This week I had a sweet video come up on my Facebook memory feed back from the time Benjamin was an only child. I was holding him and kissing him as he belly-laughed with a face full of glee. I watched it over and over, enjoying the precious memories of the time he had me all to himself. Even though beginning parenthood with a child with special needs was very difficult, I am so thankful that he was our first born and he had the experience of our undivided attention for nearly four years. The Lord knew he needed that time, and we did too. I am equally grateful, though, that he is growing up with siblings who will love him, teach him, and ultimately be a vital part of his life. They are all a gift to each other.

 Children are such an incredible blessing, and I am so thankful that God has entrusted these little treasures to us. Parenting is definitely hard work as well, but the rewards far outweigh the challenges. Psalm 127:3-5a reads...

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth. Happy is the man who has his quiver full of them...

Our quiver is getting full!