I Didn't Know

Benjamin will turn six years old next week-six years old! I remember when he was only six days old, confined to his NICU bed as my arms still ached to hold my first born for the first time.

I remember when he was six weeks old, only recently home from the NICU and (unbeknownst to us) with a heart surgery only two weeks away.

I remember when he was six months old, my little cuddler who loved to nurse, and his plump little arms and legs full of rolls that resembled the Michelin Man!

When my son was only six days old, I felt so lost and bewildered. I had no idea what the next six days would hold, or the next six weeks, and certainly not the next six years! All I knew was that we had begun a completely unexpected journey into "Holland," and I was scared. 

There are so many things I know now six years later that I didn't know then. I wish my 33 year old self could go back in time and assure my 27 year old self that in the midst of the challenges and heartache, everything really was going to be OK. I would have told her that the journey forward would be full of discovery about her beautiful son, about herself, about life, and most importantly, about God. I would tell her that healing would come, and joy would come, and incredible testimonies would take place. I would tell her that the love she felt for this helpless little baby she only barely knew would continue to grown in strength and intensity, and she would not be able to imagine life without the little miracle in front of her. I would tell her it was OK to grieve and cry and that God would meet her in powerful ways in the midst of her pain. I would tell her stories of the little boy Benjamin would become because now I know...

...the contagious smile and full body, affectionate hugs and giggles that have brightened every day...

...the thrill of accomplishment, delight, and thanksgiving as he reaches each new milestone he's worked so hard for...

...the amazing community of people we've had the privilege of meeting as a result of our son having Down Syndrome...

...the little boy who loves music, his See n' Say and stuffed monkeys...

...the eager pre-school student who waits with excited anticipation for his bus to arrive each morning...

...the big brother who paved the way for his little sister Joelle and his soon to arrive little brother Josiah...

...the child of God who so effortlessly connects with the heart of heaven...

...the little playmate who adores his Daddy and his Grandma...

...the son who I love with every fiber of my being and who loves me in return...

...I could go on and on and on. There are so many things I didn't know six years ago that I am so thankful to know now. Have there been challenges? Absolutely--some minor and some profound. (On that note, though, I experience daily challenges with my beautiful, typically-developing, and perfectly healthy toddler!) I didn't know that I would become a stronger person as a result. I didn't know that my marriage would grow even deeper as a result. I didn't know that I would experience the heart of God in ways that I may never have encountered as a result. I didn't know the privilege it would be to raise this amazing little creation named Benjamin...I also didn't know that my broken pieces, put into written form through this blog and now through my book as well, would give me the opportunity to connect with thousands of people across the nation and around the world. To you, my readers, I want to say that I count it a special privilege to be able play a small part in your lives. Thank you for allowing my son and me into your home and into your hearts! 

Happy Birthday, Benjamin! Every day with you gives me reason to celebrate!