Saturday, February 25, 2012

Today, I'm Tired

Today, I'm tired. I'm tired of strapping my son into his Super Stand to hold him in an upright position, especially when I think of all of the children one year old and younger who are both standing and walking, unassisted. Today I'm tired of carrying my son around so much. My arms and back ache from his 30 lbs of mostly dead weight (due to low muscle tone) and his 3 foot frame. I just want to hold his hand and let him walk by my side. Today I'm tired of hearing only gibberish from my son's mouth, when I long to hear even the simple word "Mama." I'm tired of being so limited in my communication with him. Today, I'm tired of the current limits of his play and fine motor skills. An attempt to help him color with crayons today was loudly protested. He wanted nothing to do with it. I always dreamed of the pictures my toddler would color for me that could be proudly displayed on the refridgerator. Today I'm tired of the limits in our interactive play. There is no make-believe, no mimicking what Mommy and Daddy do. When I was Benjamin's age, I loved to play pretend games. I loved to do the things the grown-ups did. I don't even know if my son has the cognitive capacity yet for creative play. When will it come? Today I'm tired of having to plan our weekly schedule around physical therapy appointments and doctor visits. Today I'm tired of feeling so isolated from the other young families we know who have "typically-developing" children. This is not to say that people are not kind and understanding; they absolutely are, but they still can't really understand what it's like. I feel like there is a gap between us that cannot be crossed. Today I'm surprised by the fresh wave of grief that hit me so unexpectedly. I wasn't prepared for the tears that began as a trickle and quickly became a torrent. I'm sure there will be more waves to face in the years to come. It's a process of healing, and often new transitions open up new wounds. Benjamin's only a few months shy of turning three. He does show many characteristics of being a toddler, but in many of his abilities, he's still stuck in the baby stage. Today I'm very tired of the baby stage, (though I still long for another one)!  Today I'm tired of not knowing what it's like to have a typical child. I've grown to appreciate Holland, but I still long to visit Italy too. Tomorrow I may feel different. Tomorrow I may be so excited and encouraged by the huge strides Benjamin has made in his development over the last several months. Tomorrow my heart may brim with pride as I watch him crawl and play and roll his ball back and forth with me. I may smile as he happily crawls to me as I say and sign "Benjamin, do you want some milk to drink?" I may applaud him as he signs "eat" before I let him take a bite of food and encourage him as I hand him his spoon, and he brings it to his mouth. Tomorrow I may laugh as I hear his contagious laughter, and he tells me in his own distinct ways, "Mommy, I love you!" There's some language that doesn't require words.  But today, I'm tired, and today my heart is hurting. But no matter how tired I may feel, I will never be tired of loving my son.

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