Barren to Fruitful

 (After allowing nearly a year to slip by without posting a new blog, I was starting to wonder if maybe this blog had run its course. Honestly, I've had a pretty bad case of writer's block the last several months. Inspiration finally came recently! I feel more alive and refreshed when I write. It's good to be at the keyboard again...)

Barrenness...many women throughout the ages have experienced this heart-wrenching pain. Carrying the deep longing to carry a baby and being unable to brings with it a specific grief that at times can feel all-consuming. The tension of hoping and waiting, mixed with piled up disappointments can feel crushing. There were some extended periods of time in my life when I felt this pain so keenly. Sometime during our first year of marriage, Shawn and I were becoming increasingly convinced that we may have a surprise pregnancy. Our anticipation and excitement began to rise, only to ultimately be disappointed. We quickly realized we no longer wanted to wait to start a family, yet months, followed by years, began to slip by with no baby. Meanwhile, other young couples around us were welcoming children into their lives. We began to wonder if we could have a baby. Since my earliest memories, I knew I wanted to be a mommy someday. The thought that I may be barren was absolutely devastating! My constant prayer was Lord, open my womb. Fulfill my desire!

Then came the fateful day a few years later when the pregnancy test was finally positive, and I could not stop weeping for joy! You can read more here. We could never have ever expected that our joy was soon to be mixed with deep pain as our precious son would be delivered early by emergency C-section, fighting for his very life. We would never have considered ourselves prepared for a diagnosis of Down syndrome, life in the NICU, and congenital heart defects which would require surgery at two months old. Benjamin's first year was a blur of doctor appointments, surgeries, hospital stays, seizures, hearing loss followed by hearing aids, and the painful reality of significant developmental delays. (A few years later, our son's hearing was miraculously restored! You can read more here and here.) Though we never could have imagined being prepared for these trials, God's grace and goodness carried us through the darkest of moments, and our unconditional love for our sweet son gave us the motivation to persevere through each new hurdle. We learned and grew so much in those early years, and the growth has continued as we have faced new challenges, including our son's diagnosis of autism when he was 8 years old. You can read more about that here. We so love our precious firstborn who is now 12 years old!

 

I know that it has been common for many families who start out with a child with special needs to make the decision not to have any more children. What if something goes wrong again? How could they juggle caring for another child considering the extra needs they currently must meet on a daily basis? Though these struggles are very real for many, this was never even a thought for Shawn and me. We knew we wanted our family to grow, and after that first shaky year, we were hoping to welcome a second child soon. Yet, once again, the months began to slip into years. The desire for another baby was completely consuming me once more, and I kept asking the Lord to grant my desire. It was at this time that I felt Him gently but clearly speak to my heart, Lay down your desire for more children on the altar. Surrender it to Me completely. Could He really mean this? My desire was good! Was He really requiring me to lay it down entirely? 

As much as I wanted to reason this away, I knew deep down what I was being asked to do. With a trembling heart, and countless tears, my prayer shifted to, Lord, I surrender my womb. I lay down my desire. It was a painful process that had to be re-affirmed day by day, sometimes hour by hour. I knew that it was not enough to simply say the words; I had to literally be willing to give up my desire, not knowing if He would ever grant me more children. I had to be willing to trust Him and love Him, even if He never fulfilled my desire. At this same time, a few of my girl friends announced that they were expecting babies. The test was severe, but by God's grace, I was able to truly lay my longing on the altar. It was incredibly painful, but wonderfully freeing as well, as I surrendered my control, knowing I could fully trust my Father's plans for my life. In His goodness, it was not long after this process that we learned with delight that we were expecting again! Another test of faith came when I experienced a few frightening months of bleeding during the end of my first trimester and into my second, but thankfully the Lord sustained our baby. Shortly before Benjamin's 4th birthday we welcomed our beautiful daughter Joelle into our lives with much rejoicing!

 

Sometime after we adjusted to being a family of four, the Lord began to speak to my heart again through the story of Hannah in the Bible. She longed for a child, but for years was unable to conceive, and in the culture of that day, she felt much shame. 1 Samuel 1:10-11 records her heartfelt prayer:

In her deep anguish Hannah prayed to the Lord, weeping bitterly. And she made a vow, saying, "Lord Almighty, if You will only look on Your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget Your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head."

Soon after her prayer, God blessed Hannah with a son, and the mighty prophet Samuel was born. She was true to her word and dedicated him to the Lord's service, which altered the trajectory of an entire nation! God continued to bless Hannah, and she welcomed many more sons and daughters into the world. What struck me in this biblical account was that Hannah was desiring a son, but God was desiring a prophet. He was looking for a willing vessel. I realized that my prayers to that point concerning children had been focused on my personal desires, even when it came to surrendering them, yet it had never occurred to me that God had desires He wanted to fulfill in this area. My prayer once again shifted to, Lord, I offer You my womb. Fulfill Your desire through me. 

It wasn't long after this that the Lord blessed us once again, and our little Josiah was born on the exact day that Joelle turned two-and-a-half. Considering the shift in my prayer, I had an increased sense of destiny and purpose over our son's life all throughout the pregnancy. Of course I believe that God has plans and purposes for all of our children, but my awareness of this was even more keenly felt with Josiah. What a shock it was then, when he experienced complications at birth, which nearly caused us to lose him! 

Due to my medical history, I was required to have repeat C-sections for each delivery. At the moment Josiah was pulled from my womb, he inhaled amniotic fluid into his lungs instead of air and literally began to drown! Doctors worked feverishly to suction his lungs and get him stabilized, while a nurse applied pressure to my open abdomen, hoping to stem the blood flow until I could be stitched back up again. It was only later that I learned how miraculously God sustained me during this ordeal. The doctor later confided that she fully expected that I would require a blood transfusion as a result, yet against all medical reason, I lost less blood than during a routine C-section!

I only had one brief glimpse of Josiah when he was very first delivered. Once he was stable enough, he was transferred to an oxygen tent for close monitoring, while I was taken to recovery. I was aching to see my baby, but he was not yet stable enough for them to bring him to me. I felt like I was reliving the nightmare that surrounded our first son's birth. (I had waited hours to see Benjamin after his birth, and wasn't allowed to hold him for nine days). A few hours later Josiah had another breathing episode, and the pediatrician ordered his transfer to a NICU an hour away, as our local hospital did not have this facility. I still hadn't seen my son. With shock and heartbreak, I realized I would not be able to see him for some time. My surgery required me to remain in the local hospital for the next few days. Shawn and I agreed it was most important for him to go spend as much time as possible with Josiah. Friends and family stepped up to watch our other children and to come visit me while I recovered and ached with longing for my baby. 

After three days that felt like an eternity, I was finally released from the hospital. Shawn drove me home briefly to hug and kiss Benjamin and Joelle, and then he took me to Tulsa to finally see my baby. Thankfully, Josiah had improved enough to be discharged that same evening, and we gratefully took our precious boy home. Life eventually found its new rhythm once again. Though I'm jumping ahead in the story for a moment, we faced another trial of faith when Josiah was also diagnosed with autism at age 4. How could this happen? Having one child with special needs was a big challenge in itself, but now two? Why would God allow this to happen? What about the strong sense of purpose and destiny I had felt about Josiah's life? Surely autism couldn't be part of that plan? Once again, I have had to surrender my desires and expectations to the Lord. None of this has caught Him off-guard. He is Sovereign. I have had to remind myself, often with tears, that Josiah having a diagnosis of autism in no way negates God's plan for his life. God's ways are not our ways. It is for me to trust Him and follow Him, no matter what unexpected turn life's path my take. Though I would not have chosen this path, I can accept with joy the lot we have received, knowing that I only see the here and now, while God's eternal purposes are unfolding. I have high hopes for our sweet son.

 

Before Shawn and I ever had any children, three names had already made our list of baby names. Shawn had long wanted a Benjamin. When he offered the name Josiah should we ever have two sons, I readily accepted it, but then told him, "I'm picking a girl name!" When I read the name Joelle in a book dedication shortly thereafter, I knew that was the one! Now that all three names had been fulfilled, we wondered if maybe the Lord had given us all the children He intended. However, our hearts remained open. I was gripped by the passage Romans 12:1 in the Bible:

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God--this is your true and proper worship.

I couldn't help but be challenged by the thought that as Christians we talk about surrendering every area of our lives to the Lord and living for His purposes and glory, yet we by and large do not apply this to the area of bearing children. Yet the Bible is full of rich passages speaking of the blessing of children and the Lord's desire for godly families. In fact, in Malachi 2:15 the Lord says:

Has not the one God made you? You belong to Him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.

The more I pondered these things, the more I realized that the Body of Christ has had a tendency to adopt the culture's mindset toward child-bearing. We say we surrender our lives to Him, but not the womb. The common sentiment, even among believers, is to ask, "How many children do you want, and to be quick to cut things off when we feel like it. Yet do we even consider to ask the Lord what His desire and intent may be? I realize I am undoubtedly stepping on some toes with these statements, but please hear my heart. I am not saying that God requires everyone to have a large family. There are plenty of examples from the Bible when He only purposed one or two children (ex. Abraham and Sarah, Isaac and Rebekah, Jacob and Rachel, etc...) There are also some He calls to a life of singleness or those who are unable to have children naturally. Motherhood is greater that only biological children. Many woman mother through foster care, adoption, or simply investing in the lives of others. God's plan will look different for each one. The whole point I'm trying to make is that, as followers of Jesus Christ, we should welcome the Lord, His wisdom and counsel into all these areas of our lives. He is trustworthy. 

After Josiah's birth I was content. If God did not purpose more children for us, I was at peace with that. If He wanted to give us more, I wanted to be a yielded vessel. My prayer became, Lord, I yield my womb to You. It still came with some element of surprise, however, when I discovered I was expecting once again a few months after Josiah's second birthday. We were overjoyed with the discovery that another baby girl was coming, and after some debate, we settled on the name Ava. Though I was well into my mid-thirties at this point, I was blessed with my easiest pregnancy yet, followed by a complication free delivery. What a healing experience that was for me! Our second little girl is the only red-head of our crew, with a fiery personality to match, tempered by a heart-melting sweetness as well. 

 

At this point, I really did think that God had more than likely completed our biological family, though our hearts have always remained open to the possibility of adoption. Yet in April of this year, He saw fit to open my womb once more, and in a few short months we will welcome our third son Elijah! I am now 39 and can certainly feel the changes in my body as the aches and pains of pregnancy seem to be more keenly realized, yet my heart is filled with awe and gratitude that we are being entrusted with another little eternal soul, straight from the heart of Almighty God Who knows the end from the beginning, and has a purpose for this life I carry inside. The reality of having another major surgery in a few months does feel daunting, but I am trusting the Lord to sustain both baby and me through the process as He has been faithful to do each time. I also have a sense that Elijah will be healing for Shawn and me as well, as we have grieved the disabilities of our other precious boys and have had to readjust our expectations of what life with them will look like. I so look forward to the prospect of being able to have a conversation in time with our third sweet son; an experience I have not been able to have with Benjamin and Josiah, though I am still very hopeful that one day Josiah will converse.

Regardless of what the future looks like moving forward, though, I want to be found faithful in loving, nurturing, and discipling these precious souls entrusted to us, pointing them to the Lover of their souls, who knows them and loves them even more deeply than I ever could. They belong to Him first and foremost, and I am honored to have the privilege of these years to invest in their lives and destinies!

*If you would like to read more about Benjamin's miraculous story, check out my book Reflections from Holland: A New Mother's Journey with Down Syndrome

 

The Writing on the Wall

Suffering--it's not a topic we like to discuss. We cringe to hear the word, and by nature we are prone to try and avoid it at all costs. Yet, as ones living in a fallen world, it is an inevitable part of every life to one degree or another. No matter how much we want to run away from suffering, it is sure to find us out multiple times as we journey through this life. This is the human condition. 

As a young, married couple eagerly anticipating the birth of our first child, we could never have imaged the level of suffering we were about to walk through with our son's traumatic birth, life-threatening health conditions, and diagnosis of Down syndrome. We never expected to be living in and out of hospitals for the first few months, or handing our tiny infant over to a surgical team for open heart surgery. The pain and suffering were real, and that season confronted some unconscious life expectations we unknowingly held--"Something like that could never happen to us." Yet happen it did, and we had a choice to make as to how we would respond to the unexpected suffering that had turned our idealistic world upside-down. We could have chosen to retreat into anger and bitterness, allowing it to fester until it poisoned our lives and relationships. We could have chosen to simply shut down emotionally, becoming mere shells of who we once were. OR, we could choose to give our pain to the Lord, inviting Him to heal our hearts, reveal more of Himself to us, and fashion us more into His likeness. I'm so thankful He protected us from staying on the first two paths but instead drew us close to His heart, teaching us to find joy in the pain. He is good! 

 

Yes, we will all encounter suffering in our lives, but I want to focus our attention on a different type of suffering than those things that are simply common to the world in which we live. We have no doubt heard the stories of saints of the past who endured suffering and even martyrdom for the sake of Jesus Christ. Hopefully, we are aware of the incredible suffering Christians are experiencing around the world in our modern times. For many this is a daily reality. When they make a decision to surrender their lives to Jesus Christ, they are fully aware that they are placing EVERYTHING on the line, including their own lives. Yet the beautiful reality of the Gospel, the TRUTH that salvation is only found through the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ for sinful humanity, compels them to risk it all for that which can never be taken from them. 

In the Western world, we have long been shielded from much suffering or persecution for the witness of the Gospel. America has long been considered a beacon of religious freedom, personal liberty, and freedom of speech. Yet we find ourselves now in an unprecedented hour in which these very freedoms are under attack. Sadly, many do not see it. Maybe they are unwilling to see it. After all, this is America! "Something like that could never happen to us." However, the handwriting is on the wall, and we ignore it to our own peril. The Body of Christ in America needs to wrestle through the reality that if we truly desire to live faithfully before the Lord without compromise; if we truly desire to stand firmly grounded on the truth of His Word, we must be prepared to endure suffering. It is at our door.

For decades now, secular humanism, often referred to as progressive liberalism or "woke" culture, has been gaining inroads in pretty much every facet of our society. It is now entrenched in media, entertainment, education, Big Tech, government, corporate America, and sadly, even in the church through the increasingly popular trend of "Progressive Christianity." This worldview stands in stark contrast to a truly biblical worldview (a worldview that believes the Bible is the inerrant, authoritative Word of God which should be the plumb line of truth for every aspect of life). 

Consider the trends we are seeing...The progressive left is constantly claiming to be for "unity," "diversity," "tolerance," and "love." Yet what are we witnessing? If one dares to stray from the acceptable "group think," if one does not adhere to the ideology of "woke" culture, they are under threat of the mob. Cancel culture has be exploding past any standards of reason or merit, demanding the destruction of those who dare to hold a different perspective. Dissenters must be intimidated, silenced, shamed, de-platformed, demonized, and delegitimized, so that they are prevented from speaking in the public square or operating within society. Instead of unity, the demand is for conformity. While diversity of race, sexuality, religion (except biblical Christianity), etc. are celebrated, diversity of thought and ideology is quickly condemned. There is absolutely no "tolerance" for those who do not bow the knee to their agenda. And while there is much talk of "love," we see increasing levels of hatred being spewed across the spectrum. 

Now, I realize that these are blanket statements, and I want to clarify that I am not claiming that they accurately characterize the heart and mentality of every individual who has chosen the path of liberalism. I know many genuine people, who do their best to love others, regardless of beliefs, and who sincerely want the best for others. In the same vein, there are certainly people who identify as conservative who are hateful, demeaning, and intolerant of those who disagree with them. At the very root, the problem is sin in the heart of man, and the only true remedy is the transforming power of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. What I am addressing, however, are the societal trends we are witnessing right now in our nation. 

Another alarming trend is the Critical Race Theory that has taken center stage, corralling every one into categories of the oppressor or the oppressed. Martin Luther King Junior's famous quote, "I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character," seems to be increasingly falling on deaf ears. If you are a white conservative, how quickly you may be labeled a "white supremacist," "racist," "sexist," "bigot," "Nazi," or whatever "phobic" the mob decides to pin on you. Black conservatives are often times labelled as "traitors," or "Uncle Tom's" for the sin of rejecting progressive liberalism. And while not all conservatives are Christians, many Christians are conservatives. We seem to be the biggest target. But should it really surprise us?

 

While the shocking events that unfolded at our Capitol on January 6 were completely wrong and without excuse, the tsunami of response in the wake of that event has in some ways been equally shocking and alarming. There will certainly be many unanswered questions and interpretations as to what truly unfolded on that day, possibly for years to come. However, two things should be clear: One, the VAST MAJORITY of the nation stands in condemnation of what transpired. Two, the unacceptable actions of a few (comparatively speaking considering the hundreds of thousands who truly came to peacefully assemble) is in NO WAY an accurate reflection of conservatives and/or Christians as a whole. Not even close. Yet this is the dangerous message being sent out to the nation ever since. We saw immediate and widespread censorship of, not only the sitting President of the United States, but also of multiple conservative voices across the social media world and the airwaves, and then the shocking destruction of alternative platforms through the partnership of Big Tech and Amazon. Freedom of speech is under unprecedented attack. 

This recent article highlights the dangerous trends we are witnessing and highlights many of the incendiary statements that have been made by leaders in government and media in recent days. The writer then summarize it all...

There you have it, in their own words, what they think of conservative Trump supporters. We are religious extremists, cultists, radicals, and domestic threats that need to be deprogrammed, deradicalized, and reeducated. Then if that doesn't work, we must be cut out like cancerous growths.

Or consider recent statements by CNN's Jim Acosta, claiming on national television that Trump supporters and conservative news outlets are an "existential threat to this country." These are just a few examples of the sudden push to paint conservatives and Christians as some sort in interior "threat" to the nation. Never mind the summer of widespread violence, destruction, and murder that was unleashed across our nation through BLM and Antifa. We could easily spend an entire blog post discussing the discrepancies here, but I'll simply say that the double standards are truly astounding. 

As I stated earlier, the writing is on the wall, and we ignore it to our own peril. Those claiming to be "anti-fascists" are increasingly employing fascist strategies against any who would dare to oppose them. And regardless of how you may have felt about Donald Trump, the reality is that we now have a federal government that is by and large controlled by progressive liberal ideology. Many of the values and goals stand in stark contradiction to biblical truth, and they are being implemented at lightening speed through a flurry of executive orders. Legislation is in the works as well, such as the Equality Act, which will result in direct attacks on religious liberty, threatening the freedom of many to live by their biblical convictions. 

The Bible tells us in Isaiah 5:20, "Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; who substitute darkness for light and light for darkness; who substitute bitter for sweet and sweet for bitter." Can any born again follower of Jesus Christ deny that we are seeing this magnified in our day? Supporting the "right" to slaughter of innocent babies is "compassionate" while standing up against the bloodshed is "oppressive." Sexual immorality and perversion of all kinds is celebrated, while sexual purity and biblical marriage are scorned. Gender confusion abounds, and those who would dare to stand on biological reality are accused of "hate." Romans 1:22 comes to mind, "Claiming to be wise, they became fools."

We are at a crossroads in our history as a nation, and the true followers of Jesus Christ have a choice to make. Will we stand firm in our commitment to Jesus Christ and stand unapologetically on the authority of His Word, conforming our lives to His ways? Or will we allow ourselves to be intimidated into silence by an increasingly hostile culture and even government? Sadly many will probably follow the siren song of the Progressive Christianity movement, which will comfortably allow them to embrace and be accepted by the culture of the day while still claiming to love Jesus and His Word. They will exchange the life-changing Gospel of Jesus Christ for the politically correct social justice "gospel." They will trade the authority of the life-giving Word of God, by which we are conform our lives and transform our minds, for the emotionally and fleshly appealing practice of re-interpreting, cherry-picking, and otherwise twisting the Bible to fit their preferred worldview. These are indeed dangerous times in which we live. 

However, for the Bride of Christ, those who have surrendered their lives to Jesus Christ and are committed to following Him faithfully no matter the cost, there is hope. We may be heading into tumultuous times, but the Lord Himself goes before us, and He will sustain us. As pressures mount, I believe glory will be released. As the world rages against Christ and His followers, I believe that the Gospel will go forth with power. I am praying that we see a great revival--a great ingathering of the precious souls Jesus shed His blood to redeem. We were chosen to be alive in this chapter of history, and God does not make mistakes. This world is passing away, and eternity is before us. Let's renew our commitment to "seek first His Kingdom and His righteous." Let's commit to pray with greater focus and purpose. Let's commit to worship and praise, no matter how dark things may get. Let's commit to love and serve, even the face of hostility. Let's commit to readily forgive, and not allow offense to take root in our hearts. Let's commit to boldly share the hope we carry with a lost and dying world. Let's commit to trust unwaveringly in the promises of God, no matter what it looks like around us, for our God is FAITHFUL. Let us rejoice if He should count us worthy to suffer for His Namesake as we "fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider Him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart," (Hebrews 12:2-3)

COME LORD JESUS!      

        

 

Abortion Hurts Families--A Personal Story

For those who know me or who have followed my writing over the years, it should come as no surprise when I say that I am passionately pro-life. I have not shied away from speaking and writing about this issue and have always been crystal clear about where I stand. My deep convictions in this regard stem from a few different roots that are all intertwined to make me who I am today. At the very core, as a born-again Christian with deep love for my Lord Jesus Christ, I believe that every life, born and unborn, is created in the image of Almighty God and has intrinsic worth and value. I believe God’s Word that says “For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb,” (Psalm 139:13). I believe God’s Word which instructs “You shall not murder,” (Exodus 20:13) and that God hates “hands that shed innocent blood,” (Proverbs 6:17). I cannot see abortion as anything other than the intentional ending of an innocent life. In short, abortion is murder, and it is morally wrong.

I am also the parent of a child with Down syndrome. My heart breaks as I consider how many women choose to and/or are pressured to abort their precious children with an extra chromosome. Some nations have even boasted of nearly “eradicating” Down syndrome through this evil practice in eugenics. It is my desire to demonstrate to others how very valuable every child is, regardless of any disabilities or struggles they may have. Our sweet Benjamin has been a source of much learning, growth, and joy in our lives, and it is my privilege to be his mother! 

What I have not shared up to this point is that there is another very personal reason I am passionately pro-life. This reason is very deep, at times very raw, and certainly very real. I have not had the liberty to write openly about this until now, though it’s been burning inside of me for years. The burden I carry is one that I believe countless others carry as well, though it seems there are few stories to be found. I carry the grief and pain of having lost a sibling to abortion. And now it’s time to tell my story…

I grew up as the oldest of two, with one younger brother. Whenever I saw families with sisters, there was always a sense of longing inside of me. Though I wouldn’t have even known how to give voice to it at the time, there was always a part of me that felt like I “should” have a sister—as though she was “missing” somehow. My parents were divorced when I was eight years old, but the longing within remained. I even unknowingly embarrassed my single mom at a Sunday evening church service when I was ten years old. Christmas was just around the corner, and our pastor asked the small group gathered what we would ask for if we could have anything we wanted. Without considering any logistics or ramifications, I shot my hand up and wholeheartedly declared, “A sister!” I was perplexed by the laughter that followed and the red blush that crept up my mother’s face!

It would be a few years later, at age thirteen, that I would learn a dark secret—one that would shock, rattle, and confuse me—one from which the full weight of impact would not hit me until my young adult years. With a heavy countenance and pain-filled voice, my mom disclosed to me that I was not actually her first baby. As a teenager only a few years older than myself, she had been taken advantage of by an older boyfriend and over the course of time ended up pregnant. When my grandma found out, she only offered one course of action—abortion. It was 1970, and abortion was only legal in a few states, New York being one. They took a snowy flight to this destination a few days before Thanksgiving, where a Planned Parenthood completed the bloody deed. She estimates that she would have been 14-15 weeks gestation at the time. In only a few short years, the nation’s doors would be swung open to the mass, legalized bloodshed of the innocent that continues to plague our nation to this day. My mom and my unborn sibling were some of the early victims of this monstrosity, and the effects for her have been lifelong (more on that later). 

As a thirteen-year-old, I didn’t really know how to process what she was telling me. I was only mildly familiar with what abortion even entailed—I certainly didn’t know the gruesome reality of the procedures. But I was left feeling hurt, angry, and confused. Why did my grandma do what she did? Why didn’t she want her grandbaby? Why didn’t my mom try to stop it? How was I to process that I could have had an older sibling? After the initial shock, however, I buried the issue deep inside, and it would be years before it would surface again.  

Fast forward to December 31, 2004. I was twenty-two years old and had just graduated from Oklahoma Wesleyan University that spring. Shawn and I were in a serious dating relationship, though not yet engaged. We had recently been introduced to the International House of Prayer in Kansas City, MO, where they have literally held unbroken day and night worship and prayer since 1999. They were hosting their annual One Thing Conference—a gathering especially targeting young adults with a call to make knowing Jesus the center of their lives and to usher in the New Year with teaching, worship, and prayer. We carpooled with a group of friends to attend the event. That weekend was lifechanging and a turning point for me in many ways, but I want to focus on one particular incident that truly rocked my world.

On the last day of the conference, Lou Engle got up to speak and to lead in a time of intercession for the ending of abortion in America. I was not familiar with him before this time, but he is truly a father in the prayer movement, having founded The Call, which drew large gatherings of solemn assemblies for prayer and fasting all across the nation. For the last twenty years he has also carried what he believes is a divine mandate to raise of a generation of intercessors who will fast and pray for the ending of abortion in America. As he spoke, his overwhelming passion and conviction for this issue were provoking, convicting, and deeply inspiring.

As we moved into a time of prayer following his message, I felt a deep impression to pray for women whose wombs had been damaged during abortions, resulting in future infertility. I prayed that God would not only heal their hearts but would heal their bodies, making their wombs functional again. I prayed that justice and redemption for the loss of their aborted babies’ lives would come through future children born to them who would carry the justice cry of heaven concerning this shedding of innocent blood and would be used in their generation to be a voice for the voiceless. As I prayed, I felt the Holy Spirit speak to my heart as clear as day, “You are one of those babies!” I. Was. Stunned. I immediately began to weep, completely overwhelmed. I know that thought did not originate from me. It was nowhere on my screen. How could it be that my own birth and life could be part of an answer to a prayer I was now praying? Something deep had taken place inside of me, and I knew that I could never be silent or apathetic about this issue again!

I’m really stepping out on a limb even sharing that particular piece of my story. It is so deep, and so precious to me that I don’t want to treat it lightly, and hesitated putting it out there for all to see, knowing the potential misunderstandings and criticisms that could come as a result. However, this story has been burning in me for so long. I feel like it’s time to get it out. All of it. Lord, use this as You will.

Shawn and I were married at the end of 2005, and in 2007 we both were hired to work at The Salvation Army (TSA), following Shawn’s graduation. I worked there until 2009 when our first child was born. During the two years at TSA, Shawn and I participated in and spearheaded multiple prayer initiatives. We also had permission from our supervisor to use the chapel after hours whenever we wanted to come to pray. One particular evening as we were praying there together, we focused our intercession on the issue of abortion. Without warning, deep sobs erupted from the core of my being. At the time we were struggling with infertility, and longing for a baby of our own. As I wept over all the precious babies whose lives were being ripped apart, it suddenly became really real to me for the first time that I had truly lost a sibling. It was my first experience of grieving for the relationship that was lost.

Now that I’ve really opened the door of vulnerability, I’m going to take it deeper. Fast forward to April 5, 2012. It was Good Friday, and I was standing in the Dallas Convention Center with over 4,000 other women for the Esther Call. Once again, I was directly impacted by Lou Engle’s ministry, as he had spearheaded this one day gathering of fasting and prayer for women to cry out to the Lord for the ending of abortion in our land. It was named the Esther Call after Queen Esther from the Bible, who petitioned the king to reverse the evil death decree against her people the Jews. In the same way we were petitioning the King of Kings to bring revival to our land and reverse the death decree of legalized abortion. Leading up to this powerful gathering was the 21 day Back to Life Prayer Walk. Beginning in Houston at the largest Planned Parenthood facility in the nation, 39 women, representing 39 years (at the time) of legalized abortion walked 250 miles to Dallas, the “birthplace” of Roe v. Wade. They called it the “Women’s Trail of Tears.” As they walked, they were interviewed about their personal stories and why they chose to walk for the ending of abortion. Some were post-abortive women, living with the grief and pain over their decision to end their child’s life. Some were abortion survivors. Some, like me, had lost siblings through abortion. Their stories were powerful.

Over the course of the day I heard testimonies that hit a deep place within me. Stories of men, women, and children who always felt like someone was “missing” from their family, only to later learn that their sibling had been aborted. The grief, pain, and loss are real, but these stories are rarely heard. I finally understood the gaping hole I had felt as a child with my longing for a sister. Another woman shared about an experience she had, either a dream or a vision (I can’t remember), in which she saw a multitude of babies in heaven who had been aborted. They were holding mantles, representing the purpose and destiny that was supposed to mark their lives but were never given a chance. In this experience, she saw the babies throwing the mantles down to earth and asking the Lord that someone would pick them up and carry them.

This really resonated within me. I began to pray that God would redeem the destiny of my lost sibling in my life. I had no idea what that would really mean, but the prayer came from deep inside. I also asked the Lord if my aborted sibling was a boy or a girl, and I felt Him speak to my heart as clear as day that the baby was a girl, only reinforcing to me why I had always longed for a sister.

At one point we were also encouraged to declare out loud with one voice that “Children are a blessing from the Lord!” I joined in with this declaration with wholehearted fervor and a deep ache inside. At the time we only had Benjamin, and I already mentioned that I had struggled with infertility prior to his conception. We had been praying for a second child for nearly two years, and the longing at times was overwhelming. Little did I know that less than a year later our beautiful daughter Joelle would be born. Josiah would follow in 2015 and Ava Rose in 2018. The Lord has blessed us indeed!

I returned home from the Esther Call, feeling very glad that I had attended, but at the same time strangely numb. However, that would soon change. On the morning of Easter Sunday, I was getting ready for church and pondering the recent gathering. I considered the confirmation the Lord gave me about losing a sister. I considered that my mom had always known she wanted to name her first daughter “Dana.” She had told me that if she had ever had a second daughter, she would have named her “Charlotte.” I felt like a ton of bricks hit me as I realized that my aborted sister would have been Dana, and I would have been Charlotte. It may sound strange, but I almost began to feel somewhat of an identity crisis in that moment. It also felt so incredibly unfair that I had been given the gift of life while she had been deprived of hers. Suddenly a DEEP well of grief opened up from inside, and the tears flowed for the rest of the day. I was part of the worship team at our small church at the time, and I could hardly sing through my tears and pain. Later in the day I was literally curled up on our bed sobbing and wailing with grief. It caught Shawn completely off guard, and he wasn’t sure how to best help me or to respond. It caught me off guard as well. I had never grieved in such a deep way before. It felt like the years of a lifetime of loss were all surfacing at once, and it was suffocating! Before the evening was out, I had written a poem to my sister. I have been very vulnerable with everything I have shared thus far, but I’m not ready to be that vulnerable. I don’t know if I will ever share what was written that day or not, but it was what I needed to do at the time.

When I considered our names that morning, I looked up the meaning of “Charlotte” in a baby name book. One meaning was “little woman.” One of the meanings for “Dana” is “bright as day.” As I grieved and processed, I felt the Lord comforting my heart that I’m not simply a “little woman,” but one who has been called to shine as “bright as day” for Him and for His Kingdom. I knew that part of how I could honor my sister and help to protect other women from the pain my mom experienced, would be to take an unapologetic stand for life and continue as a voice for the voiceless. I could also do so by welcoming all the children the Lord would be pleased to bless me with and model to others the beauty and value of motherhood. As the years have passed, this fire within me has not dwindled, but continued to burn stronger and hotter. I will continue to cherish my children and the gift of motherhood as I pray for the sanctity of life to be highly valued in our nation and the scourge of death to be ended. I will continue to pray for post-abortive women to finding healing and wholeness in Jesus Christ and have the courage to share their stories with the world. I will rejoice in the fact that I will get to meet my sister one day in eternity. What a beautiful reunion that will be!

*As mentioned at the beginning of this post, this is a story I have waited long to tell, but in honor of my mother, I knew it had to be when she was ready. This week marks the 50-year anniversary of her abortion. She has lived with decades of grief and regret. She experienced physical damage from her abortion that nearly caused her to miscarry my brother. The emotional wounds, however, have been deep and lifelong. This year she had the courage to share her experience in her own words on her personal blog. I am including a link to her written story (much shorter than mine), and I encourage you to read it here. I love you, Mom!    

 

The Moral Argument

October is Down Syndrome Awareness Month--a month to celebrate the lives and stories of individuals with Down syndrome and the beauty of each one. Our sweet son Benjamin is no exception. He has brought joy to our family and to the lives of so many others who know him, and I am proud to call him my son! 

I will, however, be taking this blog post in a rather unexpected direction today, as something has been weighing heavily on my heart. While this is a month to celebrate the LIVES of people with Down syndrome, the heartbreaking reality is that many of these precious lives were never even given the chance to live. According to an article by The Tennessean, "The best calculations suggest that 67% of US pregnancies where it is suggested that the baby would be born with Down syndrome end in abortion."  The seeming prevalence of Down syndrome related abortions has even led some states to seek passage of legislation that would prohibit abortions solely based on a pre-natal diagnosis of Down syndrome. Of course many cry "foul" at such laws, claiming they unfairly limit a woman's "right" to an abortion. Others say (rightfully so) that it is a form of discrimination to end the life of a child through abortion simply because they have a disability. Yet let's take a moment to consider what legislation like this is really saying...

If it is discrimination to abort a child due to a disability, then clearly that child is a PERSON who has rights and is deserving of protection. This immediately blasts a hole in the entire abortion debate. If it is wrong to end the life of a pre-born baby due to a disability, then WHY ON EARTH would it be okay to end the life of a pre-born baby who does not have a disability? The baby in the womb cannot be considered a person in only select circumstances but not in others for convenience sake. Human beings give birth to human beings. The baby inside the womb is just as human as the baby outside the womb. Abortion ends a human life. Abortion. Is. Murder.

This brings me to my next point. In addition to all the euphemisms about it being "the woman's body" and "the woman's choice," one of the most trumpeted arguments favoring abortion is "Well, you can't legislate morality." Is that so? Well how is it then that we have any laws? By their very nature, laws are more often than not the legislation of morality. We have laws that prohibit theft, rape, murder, fraud, domestic violence, child abuse, etc. All of these are moral issues, and we rightly have a system of laws in place to seek to protect against such behaviors. When these laws are violated, consequences are to follow. Without the legislation of morality we would live in frightening anarchy. 

On a side note, many of the laws we have are rooted (whether intentionally or not) in the wisdom of the 10 Commandments found in scripture. I believe that much of the breakdown we have seen in our society in recent generations has been because we have moved further and further away from God's commandments, which are not meant to be a hindrance but a protection. For example, how much heartache would be avoided in the lives of countless families and individuals if we followed the wisdom of God's law to not commit adultery? 

Since the Garden of Eden, Satan has been waging war against women and against her seed. All throughout human history he has sought to destroy the fruit of the womb. When the ancient Israelites were enslaved in Egypt, Satan worked through Pharaoh with the evil decree to throw all the newborn Hebrew baby boys into the Nile River. After taking possession of the Promised Land, Israel would later come under God's judgement for their adoption of the wicked pagan practices of the nations around them--one of the most horrific being child sacrifice. 

"You shall not worship the Lord your God that way; for every abomination to the Lord which He hates they have done to their gods; for they even burn their sons and daughters in the fire to their gods."

Deuteronomy 12:31

"But they mingled with the Gentiles and learned their works; they served their idols which became a snare to them. They even sacrificed their sons and daughters to demons, and shed innocent blood, the blood of their sons and daughters, whom they sacrificed to the idols of Canaan; and the land was polluted with blood."

Psalm 106:35-38

In the New Testament we see King Herod issue the death decree against every male child two years old and under in his demonic attempt to kill the baby Jesus. History itself is littered with horrific human rights abuses and genocide, including infants and children. Over 61 MILLION babies have been aborted in the US since the fateful passage of Roe vs. Wade in 1973. Are we any less barbaric than the ancient pagan practices of child sacrifice? Living babies are violently suctioned, ripped apart piece by piece, poisoned, and chemically burned in our various methods of "women's healthcare." Satan has destroyed generations through our legalized murder as the world triumphantly cheers that we are "empowering women." God have mercy on us!

Another widespread argument used to justify legalized abortion is that if we do abolish it, women will still seek abortion and many will die from "back alley" abortions and unsanitary conditions. The premise of this argument has already been refuted (see here ). Also, though it often goes unreported, women still die from complications related to "safe and legal" abortions. Still the logic goes, "If women are going to do it anyway, we better make it legal so we can make it safer." Let's dig a little deeper into this rationale... 

I am going to lay out a perfectly OUTRAGEOUS idea with the hopes of illustrating just how ridiculous this argument really is. Rape is against the law. Rape is violence against another human being. Rape results in mental, emotional and physical harm to the victim. Rape can result in unwanted pregnancy. Rape is against the law, yet we all know that evil individuals will still rape and women will still be hurt. So, in order to better protect women should we set up legalized "rape centers?" Should there be places where assailants could take birth control measures and women would have immediate access to physical and mental healthcare following an assault? Of course we don't want anyone to be raped, but since we know it's going to happen regardless, shouldn't we provide some legal "safety nets" to limit the damage done? Would this cause rape numbers to go down or only further incentivize the brutality? I fully realize how absolutely PREPOSTEROUS this analogy is, but is it really any less unconscionable that we think it's necessary to make the widespread murder of innocent babies legal as a "safeguard" to protect women? (On another side note, allowing abortion in the case of rape is not the answer. Sentencing an innocent child to death for the sin of the father is horrific and the violence and trauma of abortion often only ADDS to the woman's mental/emotional and even physical harm).

Legalizing the murder of babies will only lead to more widespread murder of babies--over 61 MILLION! Instead of funding abortion, why not channel resources into pregnancy care centers, adoption agencies, etc.? Don't pit the mother against the baby. Love them BOTH. 

Finally, many prefer to go the route of neutrality, claiming "I'm personally against abortion, but who am I to tell someone else what they can or cannot do?" To those I would ask, "Do you believe abortion ends the life of a human being?" If your answer is no, then you are choosing euphemism over reality and turning a blind eye to basic biology. If your answer is yes--if abortion ends the life of another human being--how can you be possibly be neutral? That would be akin to saying, "I'm personally against child abuse, or pedophilia, or human trafficking..." You get the point. How does history view those who were neutral and/or accepting of the great travesties of their time? What about those who remained silent about the horrors of slavery in America's earlier days? What about those who remained silent during the Holocaust that claimed the lives of at least 6 million Jews? 

We are at 61 MILLION BABIES and counting as the silent slaughter continues day after day and year after year. Don't tell me we cannot legislate morality. How will future generations look back on our hard-hearted apathy. LIFE. IS. PRECIOUS. Regardless of the circumstance. Regardless of the chromosome count. Regardless...

Don't stand on the sidelines of history. Let your voice be heard. Stand up for life. Cherish life. Vote for life. Future generations are counting on us...

 
    

 

 

Why I am Voting for Donald Trump

I cannot believe how much time has gone by since I last posted a blog--lots of change and transition in our lives and so much happening around the nation that most could not have fathomed 6 months ago! At some point I hope to get back on here and give some family-related updates, but that will have to wait for another day. While the ultimate purpose of this blog has never been to be political, I had some thoughts that I felt the need to get out, and this is the best platform I have to do so at this time....

I realize that the very title of this post will rub some people the wrong way. We are living in a time of great division on many levels, and people hold very strong convictions/opinions on “both sides of the aisle,” so to speak. My purpose in writing this is to share clearly and thoughtfully why I hold the convictions I do in regard to the upcoming election. 

A few disclaimers first: There are people I love and respect who hold different political views than me. I do not believe that God belongs to a political party. He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I believe that both parties have many flaws, and there has definitely been corruption in both. I recognize that both candidates have flaws and areas of questionable/inappropriate conduct. My support of Donald Trump does not mean that I agree with or justify everything he says or does. The reality is, there will never be flawless leaders or governments anywhere on the earth until Jesus Christ returns. His leadership is the only perfect leadership. He is my Hope. He is my Savior. That being said, God has given us a stewardship on this earth, and I believe that as a Christian I will be held accountable for how I choose to vote. I cannot base my decisions on cultural mindsets (which are increasingly steeped in humanism/secularism) but on the Bible. The long-term ramifications for this election will affect things in our nation for long after either candidate’s presidency has ended. From a biblical perspective, I cannot in good conscience support the present platform and trajectory of the Democratic Party. I have multiple reasons for this, but I want to highlight the three most significant ones for me. 

1. Abortion 

“Their feet run to evil, and they make haste to shed innocent blood; their thoughts are thoughts of iniquity; wasting and destruction are in their paths,” (Isaiah 59:7). The Bible is clear that God hates the shedding of innocent blood (Proverbs 6:17). Over 60 million babies have been slaughtered in the womb since Roe v. Wade was passed, and the numbers keep climbing. For instance, in New York City a black woman is more likely to abort her baby than birth her baby. This is the same Democratic run city that chose to light up the WTC in pink to celebrate the passage of abortion legislation that removed virtually all restrictions on abortion up until the moment of birth. They literally cheered. Think about it…They celebrated greater “freedom” to kill babies, not to mention the mental, emotional, and often physical harm many post-abortive women suffer. 

By and large, the current Democratic Party is championing abortion on demand, for any reason, up to the moment of birth. They are also adamant about continued tax payer support for Planned Parenthood, the largest abortion provider in the nation that has been caught harvesting and selling the body parts of aborted babies and has been complicit in the cover-ups of minors who are being sex-trafficked. Many times, I have heard arguments to under-cut the abortion debate through “what-about-isms” in which multiple other human rights issues are presented. I recognize that there are other serious, human rights issues in our culture that are important and in need of attention. However, I believe that abortion is the greatest human rights issue of our time and the greatest sin of our nation. There is NO OTHER demographic of people in our society who are being brutally murdered by the HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS every year. It must come to an end. Donald Trump has shown more support for the pro-life movement in both word and policy than any other president in modern history. In stark contrast Joe Biden (endorsed by both Planned Parenthood and NARAL) has called abortion “essential healthcare” and vowed to “codify Roe v. Wade,” promising his support of abortion “under any circumstance.” Abortion MURDERS children. I cannot support those who support this. 

  2. Marriage/Family 

“So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Then God blessed them, and God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it…” (Genesis 1:27-28) From the dawn of time God created two distinct genders and ordained the sacred union of marriage between one man and one woman with the purpose of producing children, whom He calls a gift and a reward (Psalm 127:3). The marriage union itself is a prophetic picture of Jesus’ love for His Bride, the church. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,” (Ephesians 5:25). Much of the turmoil we have in our society is related to the breakdown of the nuclear family as God intended. We have de-valued both marriage and children, which has led us to an “anything goes” mentality. Our culture’s attempts to “re-define marriage” are a mockery and an affront to God’s prescribed wisdom and ways. 

Jesus dearly and deeply loves all people, including those who are living in a homosexual lifestyle. However, His love does not condone sin--not my sin, not your sin, not anyone’s sin. His love calls us to REPENTANCE from sin and a turning back to His ways. When we stray from His ways, there will always be destruction left in the wake, and we are keenly seeing it in our nation with ever increasing immorality, confusion, perversion, and broken families. 

The Democratic Party leaders have been front-runners in promoting and celebrating the re-defining of marriage and even the re-defining of genders, which is already taking a toll on religious freedom across the nation. Much of the legislation they desire to pass (and that Joe Biden said would be his first legislative priority) would gut religious freedom protections even further. Regardless of how anyone perceives his spiritual life, Donald Trump has been an advocate for preserving religious freedom in our nation. I want these protections to continue for my children and grandchildren. 

3. Support of Israel 

“I will make you a great nation; I will bless you and make your name great; and you shall be a blessing. I will bless those who bless you, and I will curse him who curses you; and in you all the families of the earth shall be blessed,” (Genesis 12:2-3). This was God’s promise to Abraham, the father of the nation of Israel. God ordained Israel to be His chosen people—the people through whom He would send the Messiah, Jesus Christ, who offers eternal salvation to all mankind if they will place their trust in Him and submit to His Lordship. God’s promise still stands. He has not forgotten the nation of Israel. When Jesus returns again He will set up His Millennial Reign from Jerusalem.  It is my firm belief, rooted in scripture, that we cannot be rightly aligned with God if we stand against Israel. Donald Trump has shown great courage in his support for Israel, moving the embassy to Jerusalem—a promise which our nation promised long ago but never followed through with until now. I am thankful for the President’s bold stance. Within the Democratic Party, there has been a growing trend of anti-Israel sentiment, and while this may not characterize the party as a whole, it does raise concerns.

 

These three, pivotal points are the main guiding factors in how I choose to cast my vote in any election. However, I believe that this coming election may perhaps be the most consequential one of my life time thus far. I am increasingly alarmed by the Democratic Party’s push towards Socialism and Marxist ideologies. History has proven time and time again that the descent into Socialism and ultimately Communism, brings forth horrific oppression, suffering, poverty, and destruction. Millions of lives have been snuffed out in decades past (and the bloodshed continues today) in nations where this ideology has taken over. In every place this has been implemented, Christians have been persecuted. We are watching some very dangerous trends unfold in our nation at present, and I pray that America does not continue down this road. I pray that my precious children and future grandchildren will still be able to live in a nation that truly upholds freedom. I will pray for our nation. I will pray for our leaders. I will vote according to my biblical convictions in November. And above all, I will pray that God sends revival once again to America, turning the heart of our nation to Him and His ways that we can truly become “One Nation, Under God, Indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for All!” 

  

  

 

Gently Lead

My eyelids were feeling heavy at the end of another busy day, and my heart was feeling even heavier. As I slipped under the covers, I turned my thoughts to God, asking Him to speak to me before drifting off to sleep. Isaiah 40 popped into my mind, so I quickly grabbed the Bible on my bedside table and flipped it open to the passage. My heart took comfort as my eyes fell on verse 11...

This last month has been a difficult one for our family. We've had some sudden and rather frightening medical concerns for Benjamin catch us completely off-guard, and we are still waiting for definitive answers. A few days after the Lord strengthened my heart with above verse, we received some difficult news concerning our second son Josiah as well. We are still waiting for more clarity; we are still processing what we know so far; and honestly I am too emotionally raw to go into more details at this time. Ultimately my boys will be okay, but this mamma's heart has been aching. 

  

As parents, we are given the extraordinary responsibility of shepherding the little ones given into our care. It is an enormous undertaking; one that should never be taken lightly. When special needs are thrown into the mix, the task can feel even more daunting. So often there are more questions than answers. Every time our child hurts, we hurt as well. The constant demands can feel draining. The progress we see in our efforts to teach and lead effectively can often feel unbelievably slow. There are times when challenges can seem insurmountable. Yet the promise remains...

"He will...gently lead those who are with young." 

I'm so thankful for my Good Shepherd who is leading me in this journey of motherhood in good times as well as in times of struggle. I can look back and see the evidence of His leadership and care, even when it was not always clear to me in the moment. He is faithful. 

As we prepare to enter the holiday season I reflect on the first Christmas when the angels appeared to a group of lowly shepherds to announce the birth of the Savior. It is significant that the Father chose to first reveal the birth of His Son to those who were poor and of little standing in their community. He came for the least of these. I believe that it is ALSO significant that the shepherds were the first to receive this glorious good news because their very occupation was a prophetic picture of the ministry of the Messiah. Jesus is the Good Shepherd come to seek and save the lost. 

The One to whom I have entrusted my eternal soul is certainly trustworthy with each little lamb He has so graciously given to me, even when things look differently than I expected or wanted. He is my Shepherd, and I will follow Him, come what may...

Awareness that it's Hard

Seriously, sometimes I feel like I blink and another month has flown by! Between school drop-offs and pick-ups for Benjamin, a new venture of homeschooling my six-year old, and keeping up with a preschooler and a toddler, my life feels like a whirlwind most days. So, here we are nearing the end of October, and I am finally sitting down to pen a blog in honor of Down Syndrome Awareness Month. In all honesty, the past few years I have struggled to know from what angle to write during this month. My goal is to always be truthful and to speak from the heart. We are ten years into our journey of raising a child with Down syndrome, and two-and-a-half years along the unexpected twist in our road with Benjamin's more recent diagnosis of autism.

Maybe it's just me, but sometimes I feel an unspoken pressure, especially during the month of October, to only write the "feel good" posts about life with Down syndrome. I have written much over the years about the joys and delights we have experienced with our son, but raising a child with special needs is in many ways a two-sided coin. There is joy, but there is also grief. There is beauty, but there is also struggle. There are victories, but there are also many defeats. To say it plainly, it's HARD, and no amount of sugar-coated sentiment or rose-colored glasses views can change that reality for those of us who are living in the trenches day in and day out.

I think that it if we truly desire to promote Down syndrome awareness, we must be honest about the joys AND the struggles. We have to be honest that some days, many days, are just plain hard, and it's okay to admit that it's hard. I believe that parents/caregivers of children with special needs, especially moms, can often fall prey to feelings of guilt when we admit our sadness and struggles. The lies and accusations internally screaming in our ears can be jarring...If I really loved my child enough I wouldn't struggling so much...I must not be accepting enough of who my child is if I'm feeling this way...What right do I have to be grieving when others have experienced much harder circumstances? My child is still with me. I should just be grateful...You get the idea.

This quote speaks volumes. When you are raising a child with special needs, you are often living in the tension of both joy and pain. One does not cancel out the other. Both are present, though one may be felt stronger on certain days than others. As I live life with my sweet Benjamin, there are moments when my heart feels as though it will burst with love and affection, and there are moments when my heart feels as though it will shatter with grief and pain. No matter what I'm feeling at any given moment, the constant thing is that I LOVE MY CHILD, and acknowledging the difficulties does not undermine the strength and sincerity of my love. If anything, it is a testimony to it. The greater the love, the greater the possibility for pain.

This journey can be a lonely one for parents. Well-meaning friends can come across as dismissive or out-of-touch with our struggles on the occasions in which we open up our hearts with vulnerability. I have felt the sting of this when others have tried to relate to a difficulty I am experiencing by comparing our situation to a very different one involving their typical child. I have felt this sting when others have tried to give what they sincerely believe to be an "encouraging" response in an attempt to make me feel better. (ex. "God only gives these children to special parents because He knew you could handle it.") Sometimes the best response someone can have is to simply LISTEN. Acknowledge that it's hard. Don't pretend to understand when you haven't walked in our shoes. Don't feel like you have to find the "right" thing to say. Just be present and allow us to share. (I wrote about this in greater detail in the post Help that Hurts. You can read it here.) 

Over the last ten years I have become increasingly aware of my own weaknesses and shortcomings, and I have had to come face to face with the often glaring contrast between my good intentions/ideals for motherhood and how I'm actually mothering on a given day. I will never be a perfect mom. I will never "have it all together." It's okay for me to grieve. It's okay for me to admit that it's hard. However, it's NOT okay for me beat myself up with guilt and unrealistic expectations or to wallow in self-pity.  It's ESSENTIAL for me to acknowledge that I can't do this in my own strength. I was never meant to do this in my own strength. I need help. I need community. And above all--I need JESUS. 

He is the Strength I must draw from in the midst of my weakness. He is the Hope I must cling to when I am tempted to feel hopeless. He is the Shepherd I must follow when I feel lost. He is the Servant I must model as I serve my family. He is the Healer to whom I can entrust my heart. He is the Source of joy in the midst of pain. He is the place of Comfort in which I can rest my weary soul. He is the only One who can truly meet my needs as I raise my child with special needs. He is the Love that fills me and empowers me to love with greater capacity. The greater my awareness of Him, the greater my ability to walk out this journey with faith and with joy, even on the hardest of days.   

If you have enjoyed reading this blog, please check out my book, Reflections from Holland: A New Mother's Journey with Down Syndrome, available in paperback and Kindle. Thanks for reading!